Recently, my sister told me that ftw stands for, “For The Win.”

This is an acronym that is often seen on Facebook posts. Ultimately, when something is done “For The Win,” we want nothing but the best to come out of it.

However, when the ultimate goal is not achieved, is it even worth it? Honestly, when it comes to challenges, many people question whether the benefits outweigh the risks.

One of the biggest struggles I have faced in my life is my weight. I am not ashamed to say that my weight fluctuates. I cannot say that I am happy with my weight- which is why I want to lose weight. Some will say that they want to lose weight because of their health or even because of an event (marriage, prom). The reason I want to lose weight is because I want to be happier with myself. When I am happy, life is better & more positive.

Losing weight is a struggle that I often put away. Think of trying to solve a puzzle and putting it down when it gets too hard— that is the best way I can visualize it. At times, it feels like I have the resources to lose the weight, but how do I? My mind becomes so cluttered and I start to doubt myself. What if I lose the weight and I gain it all back? What will I do then? These are some of the questions that make me doubt myself and my success.

Not knowing what to do, I sought advice from my mother and grandmother. They said that everything in life is a process. In order to have to achieve the best in life, one must not rush. We are all masterpieces, that take time to develop & evolve. Not being the most patient person on Earth, this is mantra that is very challenging, but impossible to follow.

Right now, I am tracking what I eat day by day. I cannot say it is easy, but it is a resourceful tool that benefits me because I see my ups and downs, but more importantly, I see what I need to eat more of and what I need to eat less of. In terms of exercise, I am going back to the gym. I find when I am alone rocking to Lady Gaga, walking on the treadmill, I am focused on myself, which is the best feeling for me. I am the Queen of the World.

We all have our obstacles, but ultimately, if we want to persevere in life, we have to face it head on. We may fall and hurt ourselves in the process, but in the end, the lessons we learn will outweigh the risks. Thus, it was done FTW.

Today, I saw a billboard along Fordham Rd. that instantly caught my attention. It read, “One Life One Chance.” What is exactly one life one chance?

I began to ponder the meaning of the statement. Yes it is true that we have one life and we should make the best of it, but what about those who were given another chance in life… Would it be one life many chances or one life (insert the blank) chances ???

I was given another chance in life- I was born at 7 months & just above 2 lbs. The doctors believed that I would not survive; I was born with undeveloped lungs. A priest read my last rights. I was transferred to St. Vincent’s Hospital in the last-ditch effort to save my life because they had the proper care.  This was God’s giving me a second chance.

We often think of the things we want to do throughout our lives. For instance, at one point or another everyone composes their own  “Bucket List,” things that have to be done. This is my “Bucket List” thus far:

• Get my driver’s license
• Learn to ride a bike
• Learn Italian & Portuguese
• Travel throughout Europe & Dominican Republic

Sooner than later, I want to accomplish these goals- not for the sake of saying I did. I want to make something of my life. Sometimes, I think of those who do not possess the same opportunities as I have. I may not be a millionaire or live in the best area, but I have great family and friends who are very supportive. My parents provide me with food, shelter, & love. I feel that I have to take advantage of my opportunities and evolve into the great person I knew I was meant to become.

Often, people get frustrated because of other’s reluctance to believe in promises, stories, etc. What they don’t realize is that people do get hurt- either it be by a parent, relative, or supposed “good friend.”

It is hard to believe people sometimes. Unfortunately, I’ve been the victim of broken promises. I’ve been stood up on dates, cheated on, duped into helping undeserving people- just as I am sure you have been. However, I am learning to trust the right people- to find people I know I can depend on & fall back on when I am on my lowest.

You may ask me how I am able to trust despite what I went through. My answer is, “Although I have faced many hardships, I am learning what to NOT look for in a person.” If I sense someone’s negativity, I will stay from the person. For once, I am following my intuition.

I have been dating someone for the past couple of months. I can honestly say that I am getting to know him. He is a good person, educated, simple. I am trying to trust in his word. I have to understand that although one may have hurt, he may necessarily not. Just as he gave me a chance, an open heart is a must in a relationship. However, when I do have an issue, I talk about it with him.

It is hard to trust and believe that good will happen. But we must have faith that we will prosper. I admit that I am a concrete person- I have to see what is in front of me in order to believe. However, I think with that mentality, it also brings impatience, thus more negativity comes my way.

I have to learn to be more positive and have faith. Like everything, it’s a process- and a difficult process at that.

For me to say today was hectic is an understatement. The today was filled with permits, lines, people, and obstacles.

It all started with a card, yes a small card. I frantically searched my room and the closets for the card. As I was about to pay for a new card, my mother told me that my grandmother had the card. At that point, I didn’t want to hear anything. All I wanted was that card!

Mother’s always right! My grandmother had the card safely in her info box.  After I visited her, I went to the DMV. I stood in the never-ending line to be shut out for not having my birth certificate. My face turned red and I muttered, “Thank you,” to the clerk.  Angrily, I rushed out of the DMV & sought out my mother’s advice.

My mother said, “If you have the time, why not get the certificate and just take the test when you return to the DMV?”

Normally, I would have  complained in defeat & sulked at home, but getting my learner’s permit was a goal I wanted to accomplish. I did not take time off from work to not do anything.

The test itself was very difficult. Although many have told me that the test is easy if you have “common sense.” Well, many friends & family will tell you that I do not have common sense. I confess that I over analyze even the smallest things. In fact, as a little girl, I believed that 1 +1 = 11.

When I looked at the test, I did not seem English. The letters appeared small and intertwined.  The test reminded me of the AP Spanish exam. Everything looked the same. I literally had to sit down and read the test. The test was nothing like writing an essay… I will definitely say that much!

When the clerk told me that I passed, I could not belief it. The security guards laughed at me because I could not believe it. I am so proud of myself: not only that I passed but more importantly, because I did not give up.

Becoming a better person entails not letting the smallest obstacles get in your way. I spent many years being bitter because I was teased by classmates. I let what people say affect me to the point that I would not certain clothing, afraid that people were going to talk about me and mock me; I did not enjoy going to park because I was afraid of running in front of other people.

I was not going to let fear dictate and hinder myself from achieving for goals. If I were to fail the learner’s permit test, I knew that I could try again. No human is perfect. We win some & lose some, but never should an obstacle defer us from our dreams.

Today as I sat in the laundrymat, I could not help but to notice the expressions on the women’s faces. Their faces screamed exhaust, but they continued to fold their clothes and take care of their kids.

The first person I thought of was my mother. She has to be one of the strongest women I know next to my grandmother. There are days where my mother words over 12 hours, but she still comes home and asks my sister and me how our day was, tidys the house, and asks if we had something to eat.

But first, I have to learn how to be an adult first. It’s true what my grandmother says, “Cherish those moments as a child because when you grow up, you’ll want to be a kid again.” Now of course I didn’t listen…I enjoy my age, however, sometimes I wish I could have the freedoms I had as a kid. The biggest worries I had as a kid were whether I was going to catch the latest episode of Dawson’s Creek and whether I had batteries in my cd player.

Paying credit cards, cell phone bills, & transportation is a part of being an adult. I’m not like my other friends who have families. However, it is still an adjustment. Truthfully speaking, I can understand why some people never want to leave college. College is similar to a mother: nuturing and safe. After graduating from college, we are on our own—I can tell you, we can say that ABC will happen after college, but often times it ends up happening FVN- completely out of order and completely unpredictable.

When I have this “being an adult” packed down, then I can focus on bigger things. But for now—credit cards, driving permits, blogging congest the mind.

Being betrayed is one of the most painful experiences one will ever experience. What makes this experience even more painful is if the betrayer is a person who one knows.

Sadly, this is an experience we all know too well. One of the most painful betrayals I have ever experience was when a friend had sex with my boyfriend. Although I was 15 years old, I was deeply hurt. There are times when I reflect about the experience; I think of it as a test. I could have taken the easy way out and fought, but I am not like that. Instead, I did not speak to her, acted like she was dead.

This brings up the question: Which is worse, to be backstabbed or frontstabbed?

Personally, anyone can be backstabbed. An associate, friend, co-worker, classmate are some of those who can be backstabbers. Frontstabbers, as I like to call them, are those are who you least expect to hurt you. These people include: family, best friends, confidants.

Frontstabbing is an emotion that will leave you gasping for air. It is the feeling you get when your best friend steals the promotion you so desperately wanted, or when your ex-boyfriend you wanted to marry confesses to you that he slept with women he met via facebook— yes this happened to me.

As sad as this is, frontstabbing is something that happens to everyone at a certain point in their lives.

I disagree with those who say that they would rather be stabbed in the front. Honestly, I would rather be backstabbed by an associate whom I will never see again than let us say, my sister.

One of the worst things to do is fight with your loved ones and never have the chance to say you’re sorry. I believe losing the one I love is similar to being deprived of oxygen. It’s so painful that the heart hurts, as if I am going to suffocate.

I believe that the emotional and physical are connected. When I feel an emotion, my body feels it too. Therefore, when I argue with a loved one, I feel it all over.

Often, we promise ourselves not to let “the little things” gt the best of us. However, the promise is broken and we find ourselves quarreling with the people we cherish the most. Although some may not intend on doing this, we do lash out on our loved ones because we can. I say this because if someone really loves me, I know that person will be there for me throughout thick and thin- so of course I can say whatever my heart desires. What many fail to realise is that by lashing out at others, this painful cycle does not end.

I know it has been awhile (almost the whole summer), since I have written a new blog.

The summer was filled with empty promises to myself of course, and basically much of nothing.

Now my favorite season is here, Fall!!! This is my time of renewal & promise.  With this new season, one of my main goals is to follow up with myself & not put things off.

I always speak to my friends and family that I want to be happy and become a better person. That will not happen until I take charge of my own life & make things happen for myself. How am I going to make someone happy until I make myself happy.

Going to Mother Wallace’s Women’s Seminar made me realize that although I have come far in life, there is definitely room for improvement. I need to “clean up my house” in order to evolve and become a better person. Instead of focusing on other people & their situations, I have to focus on myself and get rid of the emotional baggage that is preventing me from becoming a better person.

Mother Wallace also spoke about becoming a “Woman of God.” Being a “Woman of God” has so many meanings. I believe that being a woman of such entails being an adult and responsible for her household. I did not realize how much being a woman is important. Now that I think about it, I see my mom and how much she struggles to support my sister and me. My mom works, cooks, cleans, and takes care of her family. I see my mom as a Woman of God. I aspire to be like my mom, grandmother, and Mother Wallace.

My mind is so congested right now, it feels like there is a melting pot in my brain. So congested, it feels like one hazy fog- illustrated at its best.