from 1998 to 2015.

Hello Everyone!

I hope you all had a great New Year!

My goal for 2015 is to be accepting of who I am. For many years, I didn’t live a fulfilling life because I consumed by my weight and insecurities. Since second grade, I was bullied because of my weight. I wanted to fit in the crowd so badly, I would try anything humanly possible. One of the worst feelings ever is to feel alone and not fit in. I promised myself that this year, I will embrace myself more and what I love. I won’t be consumed by how much weight I lose or how much money I save.

On Christmas Eve, I spent time with my grandmother. For a few hours, it was just me and her. We were talking when she handed me over some old pictures to look at. There was one picture that caught my eye… my 5th grade class picture. In the picture, my hair is very long- down my back, not fizzy like normal. In the picture, I had such a grin on my face, but that was because I wanted to look nice, not necessarily because I was happy.

1998

It’s crazy how one picture can bring up so many emotions from almost 20 years ago! It’s like having emotional vomit- once you think of something that you’ve once tried to suppress… that thought comes out, along with a flood of other thoughts.

Then it came to me!!!… I had to write a letter to my 1998 self. I really wish I can go back and talk to myself- let myself know that everything was going to be okay. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t had run away from things and avoided trying new things, out of fear of being made fun of. The only person I had to impress was myself.

This is the most personal blog post that I’ve ever written. I wanted to share my thoughts with all of you because I wanted to share my feelings and my struggles- as I know that both have continued to make a better person. If I can inspire one person to try something new, or embrace their passions, then that will be awesome!

Dear Estelle,

It’s now 2015 and I know you’re thinking that’s a long time from now, but I just thought that you should read this. I know you believe that you’re ugly and that no boys will ever like you. Well, I will tell you this… It will be a long while before you meet that “Charming” that you always wanted to meet–but it will be worth it! Don’t even think about boys, at least try not to. Those boys you go to school with aren’t even worth it.

Mommy is very strict, but it’s for the right reasons. She will let you shave your legs soon and when you graduate the 8th grade, that’s when mommy will let you do your eyebrows. And it’s not that mommy won’t let you go anywhere just because; she can spot a fake friend when she sees one. Trust me, you will see that there are people who are really not your friends. 

When you look in the mirror, I know you think you’re not pretty. But trust me, you definitely are! Your smile lights up the whole room and your eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky (that’s the sincerity in you that mommy always talks about). 

I know it hurts, but when people call you fat, it’s because they don’t understand you and they are afraid of what you have to offer. Whatever insecurities they have, they take that out on you. It took me many years to understand that, and you may not get that right now, but one day you will. 

And one more thing… I know you hate to be called Stelly- you say that’s not you and you’d rather be called Estelle, but you will grow to love that nickname. Many people are going to know you by Stelly. People are going to remember you because of your smile, because of your intelligence, and because of your compassion towards others- and that’s amongst other things.

When you are feeling down, remember that you will rise above anything and everything. 

Love Always,

Stelly

I really hope that you enjoyed this blog post!

Until next time!

—Stelly

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goodbye summer.

As Fall 2014 officially begins September 22, 2014, I am saying my official goodbye to summer. I am three weeks early, but who is counting?

Summer 2014 bought many memories and lessons that I will never forget. My favorite moments were from going to Atlantic City with my boyfriend to going to Spa Castle with my best friend and spending time with my family. There were some down times too… as i’m composing this post, I am still sick from Asthmatic Bronchitis which sucks! Although i’m not yet 100%, that is not going to keep me from writing.

Here are some of the lessons I learned during Summer 2014:

1. Always Make Time For What You Love: This summer, I decided that I will have as much fun as I can. If that meant not seeing certain people or leaving work at exactly 5:30 PM, then let it so be it. One of the worse things I believe I can do is just let time go by. I’m definitely not into the whole wake up, go to work, go back home routine. That’s just not me. I need time with my friends, time with myself. I spent a lot of time in Union Square (my favorite place in the world!), walking in the park, and buying the best organic chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies! I haven’t done that in years! The best feeling was writing in my journal, soaking in the sun and getting that awesome tan!

2. Be With Your Friends: As much as I love my boyfriend, I had to spend time with my friends too! My girlfriends are the sisters I am never going to have. They mean the world to me! Even if I saw them for a couple of hours, that made me really happy. I’m happy I got to go to many places with them this summer. We went from China Town, to Central Park, to the Frying Pan restaurant and the Dairy Queen. I have to say this… if it weren’t for my friends, I wouldn’t have discovered BOKA. BOKA is a kickass restaurant in St. Marks (near Astor Place), downtown NY. They make the best Korean fried chicken I’ve ever had! And their vegetable fried rice is divine! It’s a great feeling to know that when things get rough, I know I can count on my friends. We all talk and bs and have fun!

3. Leave The Drama: We all have things going on in our lives. With that being said, I do not have the time nor the patience to deal with pettiness and drama. Unfortunately, I’m not talking to some people at the moment. It is not because I don’t love them. I do 100%… it is because there are so many Facebook statuses and gossips I can deal with. I’ve been doing so many great things this year and I don’t need people to spoil that for me. So rather than stress these people, i would rather not deal with them right now. 

4. Celebrate & Speak Up!My favorite moment of this summer was celebrating my third year anniversary with my boyfriend in Atlantic City, NJ. At first, I was hesitant because I knew work was going to be chaotic and I thought it would be really expensive. But let me tell you something, by planning over a month ahead of time, my boyfriend and I got a really good deal through Groupon. I spent a little extra time at work so I could have my commitments done. When it comes to you and your happiness, you cannot be afraid to speak up and ask for vacation time. After all, it’s yours to use! 

I cannot wait for what Fall 2014 has to offer. I’m looking forward to walking in the city with just a sweater and a mint hot chocolate in hand. 

I hope you all have had a great summer!

Till next time!

—Stelly 

P.S.: Here are some of my favorite pics that I took throughout the summer. Enjoy!

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angry mind.

Feelings as of late: mind is a blender of thoughts, all assorted. The visual I have of my mind is coleslaw. It’s hard to sort through thoughts. But when it accumlates, I just wanna avoid it althogether.

When new opportunities arise, one wants more. I believe that is human nature. Also, one wants to achieve the seemingly impossible. But when faced, it becomes hard and fear is what motivates nothing to happen.

Those are just a few thoughts. Anger is controlling me right now. Bitterness of what would have been my five-year anniversary with my ex. Also feeling low and unaccomplished with oneself and just keeping bitter feeling of others are definitely not helping. One thing I have realized is that holding onto these feelings will maim me. It will toxify my life and I will have no one to blame but myself.

I read that one way to control anger is to forgive. However, what is forgiveness when it is from the heart? I am not goin to forgive just because. If anything, it causes more damage. Supressing the pain will only cause a domino effect of misery.