blues.

I was on twitter yesterday morning and I was reading tweets from Robert Kardashian, Jr. He posted the following, “I’m aware that I’m fat that def aint a surprise to me lol and my only therapy will be in the gym anyways had to say somethingggggggggg.” 

I couldn’t help but feel sympathetic towards Rob. I don’t know him from a hole in the wall, but I can’t imagine having thousands, maybe millions of people tweeting about me, talking about how I look and/or how ugly I may look. Going back to my post from Sunday, I don’t need to mirror to see how I look. I know I’m plus-size, but guess what? I’m awesome! I’m beautiful! I’m intelligent! It’s just too bad that there are those who believe that beauty has specifications; as a result, they see what size pants I wear and not the size of my heart.

Up until recently, I avoided many retail stores because I thought I wouldn’t look good in the clothes. Let me tell you, that’s no way to live. To live in constant fear of being teased, of having people stare and whisper right in front of you… it sucks. It’s hard for me because people have done this to me, but I can’t let my past dictate my present and my future. It felt good to walk into Old Navy and H&M and check out their clothes. I treated myself to few tops and I even took pictures in the shirts. I felt so liberated; I didn’t have a care in the world! It never hurts to try on different things and to treat oneself. Right now, I’m in love with my new Victoria Secret lipsticks. I love matching my makeup to my new outfits. I’m loving myself and the skin that I’m allowing myself to be in.

As hard as it is to do, I had to admit that I was hurt from my past. What people said to me and the things that were done to me hurt. To smile and essentially hide from the pain isn’t the answer. As a perfectionist, it’s hard to admit when I’m struggling. I’m exactly what the word means- I want to be perfect. But there is no such thing as perfect- all we can do is try our best and achieve what we believe is right for ourselves. I’m grateful to have family that I can confide in. I have a boyfriend who I trust, who I can share my struggles with. When it comes to positivity, I make sure that I surround myself with those that I have my best interest.

It’s funny how years ago, it mattered how many Myspace and Facebook friends I had. Now in my late 20’s and I can honestly say that I rather have a smaller circle and be happy than have hundreds of friends who don’t give a shit about me. 

Until next time!

 

Note: Robert Kardashian, Jr. has since deleted the mentioned tweet. I obtained the tweet from the following website: http://www.people.com/article/rob-kardashian-fat-comments-twitter

 

 

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reflecting after.

Right at this moment, I’m sitting in my room, thinking of what to write about…

Ever became so mentally congested that you just shut down? That happens to me all the time. All these thoughts run through my head and then it becomes overwhelmingly powerful; I don’t know what to do next. 

The people closest to me tell me, “Do things one thing at time.” Honestly, although this may seem simple, it’s a difficult concept to follow. How do we complete each task, “one day at a time?” It baffles me how my mother does so many things in such a short amount of time. 

To listen to our loved ones can be so hard… Sometimes, by taking our loved one’s advice, I feel like it’s admitting that they were right and for a person who is stubborn, I can say that’s definitely me! 

Any who… Last week was Mother’s Day and I reflected on the lessons that I’ve learned from my mother and grandmother. One lesson my grandmother taught me comes to mind.

I was in elementary school and I came home crying; I must have been 11 years old. I cried because someone in my class called me fat during recess. It wasn’t the first time I was made fun of, but it still hurt. I was tired of being teased because of my weight. I felt as if my weight was all people saw and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know what else to do but cry.

My grandmother looked at me while after she put something away in her closet and said, “So what if they made fun of you? Tell them you have a mirror at home!” I stood there just surprised and stumped… I didn’t understand what she said. All I wanted my grandmother to do was to hug me and tell me that those kids were boogers. But that’s not what I got… This was what I was thinking at that moment:

1. She was calling me fat. 2. I’m admitting that I’m fat. 3. I had to stand up to those who were making fun of me.

All of these notions were too much- simple as that. How was I supposed to say that, “Tell them I have a mirror at home” ? By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was afraid to stick up for myself. To make friends and to have good grades in school was really easy to me; confrontation was not. Confrontation is still a challenge for me.

Sixteen years later, I realize what my grandmother was saying. I believe that she meant, so what if you are fat, you know it and you are proud of who you are. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to look at you. By people calling me fat, they’re essentially not telling me anything new; they’re just telling me in the douchiest, meanest, most fucked up way humanly possible. Let me tell you something, words hurt either it is said verbally or written. There are still times when I think of my elementary school days and of what people have said to me. Of course I could have called those jerks out, but I didn’t and I won’t. I’d like to think the best revenge is my success.

I will not hide who I am. I can wear all black and wear the baggiest clothes possible but I won’t. Am I going to be insecure because of what people say and think about me? No I will not! I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of seeking their approval when they don’t deserve it. It takes too much energy to care about what people think of me. I have a loving family, friends, and kickass boyfriend. 

I tell my grandmother all the time that I am thankful for her and for the lessons that she has given me. But this lesson in particular will always stick with me. When I am feeling down, insecure, and unsure of myself I will look in the mirror and remind myself that I am a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman. 

To those who have called me fat or have put me down, I believe that they have simply called out an insecurity about themselves. Just remember that life is too short to focus on others and what they are doing. Focus on yourself and what you can do to better your future.

Till next time everyone!

 

Do I Miss Being Out In The Work Force? Not Sure…

Wow! I cannot imagine being in her place… Idk what I would have done! Powerful blog post!

brickhousechick

iceposter.comiceposter.com

Though I do miss being out in the work force, the one thing that I do not miss is the sexual harassment, the sexism and the discrimination I experienced.

Mind you, I worked in the banking industry which is pretty much a breeding ground for all the above, but, when I think back at the things I put up with, it makes my blood boil and makes me hope that my daughter does not experience what I did.

Fresh out of college I got a job at a large bank in downtown Boston, supporting High Technology Commercial Lenders (mostly men) in the business of lending a lot of money to companies such as Digital, Polaroid, GTE and many others along the high-tech beltway on route 128.

I was one of two Administrative Assistants and my duties included going on Customer Calls with the lenders.  It was…

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The Melting Pot

Love this blog post!

New York Water Taxi - NYC's Most Iconic Boat

By Dave Caplan

New York City is flat out one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world. 170 languages are spoken in New York and 36 percent of the people living here today were born outside of the United States.

Different cultures are represented by colorful and vibrant communities all over New York. Little Italy still maintains its original charm; head downtown to Mulberry St and sink your teeth into a delicious cannoli. Looking for some great Indian shops and restaurants? Check out Little India just below mid-town on Manhattan’s eastside.

Hispanics represent almost 30 percent of the population, making Spanish the second most spoken language in the city.

Ellis Island Ellis Island

Make your way throughout the city and you will find Puerto Rican, Mexican, Dominican and Colombian communities. One of the most famous Hispanic neighborhoods in New York City is called Spanish Harlem. Also known as” El…

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is it me?

The other day I was on facebook, going through my news feed. CCNY Secrets, a page created for those who have attended or are attending CCNY, posted up a secret that struck a cord with me. 

This was the secret:

“A close female friend recently admitted to being sad because she’s never had a boyfriend and doesn’t get attention from guys. But the truth is she doesn’t take care of herself. She’s overweight, doesn’t bother to fix herself up (no makeup, dress, hair). She just isn’t attractive to the opposite sex. And before you people hit me with that deep, holier than thou crap about personality and being a beautiful person, lets be honest, we’re visual creatures and like it or not we put attractiveness first. 
So if you’re a female in the same situation, learn to become the girl that guys cannot deny. Or keep waiting for your prince charming movie hero who will look past your imperfections *chokes*”

It’s comments like these that make me feel annoyed. I don’t know the person who posted the “secret” but I bet he/she doesn’t understand where his friend is coming from. I bet he doesn’t know her issues besides what she’s said. It’s true that most people are in fact visual creatures; I’ve seen it first hand. But this this mean that I have to change who I am just so someone else can look at me? Absolutely not!!!

Honestly, reading this made a lot of different feelings re-surface. For me, I always thought that I didn’t have a boyfriend because of the fact that I was overweight. It was hard to “look nice” because I felt that I was being judged anyway… so what was the point? If I dressed nicely or put on makeup, I was just going to be the big girl with that outfit that didn’t suite her who had a pretty face. It was upsetting to see my friends have partners and I didn’t have anyone. I was the classic chunky girl who had a lot of boys as friends, but no boyfriends. I was always smart in school… always had frizzy hair, always the funny girl. Valentine’s Day sucked every year. I always managed to hide everything with a smile.

Sometimes, when we surround ourselves with the right company, we start to see the beauty that is within ourselves. I know that when I started to feel more confident, I started to feel more comfortable about my appearance. I changed who I associated with & in turn, I started to hang out with those I knew weren’t going to judge me. It was then I started putting on blush, doing my nails and hair; I wasn’t afraid to take as many risks.

If there is one thing I have learned over the course of a few years, is that if I’m going to do something, it has to be for myself, no one else.

I met my boyfriend out of nowhere…and it was one of the greatest blessings I’ve ever had. The day I met him, I didn’t have any makeup on… it was on a hot July afternoon. My hair was loose, curly, frizzy and out of place and I was a sweaty mess. But I knew that I had to talk to him…I just had to, although my friend gave me the courage to. Now.. .he could have seen how I looked and turned me away, but he didn’t. We exchanged numbers, hung out, and now almost three years later, we are still together & very happy!

So to the person who posted that secret, how’s about putting yourself in your friend’s shoes? I believe that although sometimes tough love is the key to good advice, it can be just downright hurtful. Also, maybe that person is single because she hasn’t met the right person yet; he’s probably right under her nose and she hasn’t realized it yet.

It’s true what my mother says, “The best things happen when we are not looking, when we least expect it.” When we are sad and at our lowest, it’s hard to see the good around us and the fact that better things will come our way.  And she was right, as hard as it was to admit. 

Do you agree with the notion that we have to change our appearance in order to find love? Are we really that visual? Or was the person being a jerk?

Until next time!