from 1998 to 2015.

Hello Everyone!

I hope you all had a great New Year!

My goal for 2015 is to be accepting of who I am. For many years, I didn’t live a fulfilling life because I consumed by my weight and insecurities. Since second grade, I was bullied because of my weight. I wanted to fit in the crowd so badly, I would try anything humanly possible. One of the worst feelings ever is to feel alone and not fit in. I promised myself that this year, I will embrace myself more and what I love. I won’t be consumed by how much weight I lose or how much money I save.

On Christmas Eve, I spent time with my grandmother. For a few hours, it was just me and her. We were talking when she handed me over some old pictures to look at. There was one picture that caught my eye… my 5th grade class picture. In the picture, my hair is very long- down my back, not fizzy like normal. In the picture, I had such a grin on my face, but that was because I wanted to look nice, not necessarily because I was happy.

1998

It’s crazy how one picture can bring up so many emotions from almost 20 years ago! It’s like having emotional vomit- once you think of something that you’ve once tried to suppress… that thought comes out, along with a flood of other thoughts.

Then it came to me!!!… I had to write a letter to my 1998 self. I really wish I can go back and talk to myself- let myself know that everything was going to be okay. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t had run away from things and avoided trying new things, out of fear of being made fun of. The only person I had to impress was myself.

This is the most personal blog post that I’ve ever written. I wanted to share my thoughts with all of you because I wanted to share my feelings and my struggles- as I know that both have continued to make a better person. If I can inspire one person to try something new, or embrace their passions, then that will be awesome!

Dear Estelle,

It’s now 2015 and I know you’re thinking that’s a long time from now, but I just thought that you should read this. I know you believe that you’re ugly and that no boys will ever like you. Well, I will tell you this… It will be a long while before you meet that “Charming” that you always wanted to meet–but it will be worth it! Don’t even think about boys, at least try not to. Those boys you go to school with aren’t even worth it.

Mommy is very strict, but it’s for the right reasons. She will let you shave your legs soon and when you graduate the 8th grade, that’s when mommy will let you do your eyebrows. And it’s not that mommy won’t let you go anywhere just because; she can spot a fake friend when she sees one. Trust me, you will see that there are people who are really not your friends. 

When you look in the mirror, I know you think you’re not pretty. But trust me, you definitely are! Your smile lights up the whole room and your eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky (that’s the sincerity in you that mommy always talks about). 

I know it hurts, but when people call you fat, it’s because they don’t understand you and they are afraid of what you have to offer. Whatever insecurities they have, they take that out on you. It took me many years to understand that, and you may not get that right now, but one day you will. 

And one more thing… I know you hate to be called Stelly- you say that’s not you and you’d rather be called Estelle, but you will grow to love that nickname. Many people are going to know you by Stelly. People are going to remember you because of your smile, because of your intelligence, and because of your compassion towards others- and that’s amongst other things.

When you are feeling down, remember that you will rise above anything and everything. 

Love Always,

Stelly

I really hope that you enjoyed this blog post!

Until next time!

—Stelly

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reflecting after.

Right at this moment, I’m sitting in my room, thinking of what to write about…

Ever became so mentally congested that you just shut down? That happens to me all the time. All these thoughts run through my head and then it becomes overwhelmingly powerful; I don’t know what to do next. 

The people closest to me tell me, “Do things one thing at time.” Honestly, although this may seem simple, it’s a difficult concept to follow. How do we complete each task, “one day at a time?” It baffles me how my mother does so many things in such a short amount of time. 

To listen to our loved ones can be so hard… Sometimes, by taking our loved one’s advice, I feel like it’s admitting that they were right and for a person who is stubborn, I can say that’s definitely me! 

Any who… Last week was Mother’s Day and I reflected on the lessons that I’ve learned from my mother and grandmother. One lesson my grandmother taught me comes to mind.

I was in elementary school and I came home crying; I must have been 11 years old. I cried because someone in my class called me fat during recess. It wasn’t the first time I was made fun of, but it still hurt. I was tired of being teased because of my weight. I felt as if my weight was all people saw and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know what else to do but cry.

My grandmother looked at me while after she put something away in her closet and said, “So what if they made fun of you? Tell them you have a mirror at home!” I stood there just surprised and stumped… I didn’t understand what she said. All I wanted my grandmother to do was to hug me and tell me that those kids were boogers. But that’s not what I got… This was what I was thinking at that moment:

1. She was calling me fat. 2. I’m admitting that I’m fat. 3. I had to stand up to those who were making fun of me.

All of these notions were too much- simple as that. How was I supposed to say that, “Tell them I have a mirror at home” ? By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was afraid to stick up for myself. To make friends and to have good grades in school was really easy to me; confrontation was not. Confrontation is still a challenge for me.

Sixteen years later, I realize what my grandmother was saying. I believe that she meant, so what if you are fat, you know it and you are proud of who you are. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to look at you. By people calling me fat, they’re essentially not telling me anything new; they’re just telling me in the douchiest, meanest, most fucked up way humanly possible. Let me tell you something, words hurt either it is said verbally or written. There are still times when I think of my elementary school days and of what people have said to me. Of course I could have called those jerks out, but I didn’t and I won’t. I’d like to think the best revenge is my success.

I will not hide who I am. I can wear all black and wear the baggiest clothes possible but I won’t. Am I going to be insecure because of what people say and think about me? No I will not! I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of seeking their approval when they don’t deserve it. It takes too much energy to care about what people think of me. I have a loving family, friends, and kickass boyfriend. 

I tell my grandmother all the time that I am thankful for her and for the lessons that she has given me. But this lesson in particular will always stick with me. When I am feeling down, insecure, and unsure of myself I will look in the mirror and remind myself that I am a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman. 

To those who have called me fat or have put me down, I believe that they have simply called out an insecurity about themselves. Just remember that life is too short to focus on others and what they are doing. Focus on yourself and what you can do to better your future.

Till next time everyone!