reflecting after.

Right at this moment, I’m sitting in my room, thinking of what to write about…

Ever became so mentally congested that you just shut down? That happens to me all the time. All these thoughts run through my head and then it becomes overwhelmingly powerful; I don’t know what to do next. 

The people closest to me tell me, “Do things one thing at time.” Honestly, although this may seem simple, it’s a difficult concept to follow. How do we complete each task, “one day at a time?” It baffles me how my mother does so many things in such a short amount of time. 

To listen to our loved ones can be so hard… Sometimes, by taking our loved one’s advice, I feel like it’s admitting that they were right and for a person who is stubborn, I can say that’s definitely me! 

Any who… Last week was Mother’s Day and I reflected on the lessons that I’ve learned from my mother and grandmother. One lesson my grandmother taught me comes to mind.

I was in elementary school and I came home crying; I must have been 11 years old. I cried because someone in my class called me fat during recess. It wasn’t the first time I was made fun of, but it still hurt. I was tired of being teased because of my weight. I felt as if my weight was all people saw and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know what else to do but cry.

My grandmother looked at me while after she put something away in her closet and said, “So what if they made fun of you? Tell them you have a mirror at home!” I stood there just surprised and stumped… I didn’t understand what she said. All I wanted my grandmother to do was to hug me and tell me that those kids were boogers. But that’s not what I got… This was what I was thinking at that moment:

1. She was calling me fat. 2. I’m admitting that I’m fat. 3. I had to stand up to those who were making fun of me.

All of these notions were too much- simple as that. How was I supposed to say that, “Tell them I have a mirror at home” ? By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was afraid to stick up for myself. To make friends and to have good grades in school was really easy to me; confrontation was not. Confrontation is still a challenge for me.

Sixteen years later, I realize what my grandmother was saying. I believe that she meant, so what if you are fat, you know it and you are proud of who you are. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to look at you. By people calling me fat, they’re essentially not telling me anything new; they’re just telling me in the douchiest, meanest, most fucked up way humanly possible. Let me tell you something, words hurt either it is said verbally or written. There are still times when I think of my elementary school days and of what people have said to me. Of course I could have called those jerks out, but I didn’t and I won’t. I’d like to think the best revenge is my success.

I will not hide who I am. I can wear all black and wear the baggiest clothes possible but I won’t. Am I going to be insecure because of what people say and think about me? No I will not! I’m not going to give people the satisfaction of seeking their approval when they don’t deserve it. It takes too much energy to care about what people think of me. I have a loving family, friends, and kickass boyfriend. 

I tell my grandmother all the time that I am thankful for her and for the lessons that she has given me. But this lesson in particular will always stick with me. When I am feeling down, insecure, and unsure of myself I will look in the mirror and remind myself that I am a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman. 

To those who have called me fat or have put me down, I believe that they have simply called out an insecurity about themselves. Just remember that life is too short to focus on others and what they are doing. Focus on yourself and what you can do to better your future.

Till next time everyone!

 

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