myriad.

—so many thoughts are on my mind, it’s hard to focus on one concrete thought. but there is one thought that is haunting me.

i feel like i am in an absurd time warp. where are the fuck are we? this is 2017 and i feel suffocated by not only hate, but fear & anxiety as well. my grandparents emigrated from puerto rico to new york city in 1954 to have a better life. and honestly, i’m disgusted by everything that’s going on. this isn’t the land of the free.

i have to say what’s in my mind and what’s in my heart.

the recent events in charlottesville, virginia  boggle my mind- but am i surprised, no? i believe that racism never died out- neither was it never phased out. racism is a belief to me, something that is taught. and as long as people hold these ideas and spread them, it will never cease to exist. it’s a disease that spreads and attacks everything in its sight.

it is one thing to have opinions and beliefs (everyone has them, whatever)… but to spew hate and hurt people, and murder people, what the fuck is that about? if someone is mad at something or someone, write… there is no absolute need to harm anyone.

but then for our president not to acknowledge what’s going on… like what the fuck! i still can’t stay president…. nope! i can’t. i refer to him as his last name… sometimes, i had drump or call him that. everytime he has the opportunity to show some kind of empathy, some kind of leadership, he fucks it up! i don’t get it…

but let me tell you all something… and i have to say it.

i truly feel in the pits of my being that of course the president isn’t taking a firm stand or denouncing 10000% percent of these recent events. these vile people (these groups that don’t even deserve to be mentioned) are his bread and butter…simple as that! these are the people who voted for him. these are the same people who are so petty and are so angry that President Obama served two terms. i bet these vile people thought… no way in hell are they gonna win again? it’s like these people came out of the sewers like waterbugs and sewer rats. could you imagine if president… addressed these people? he knows what’s up. there goes his 2020 election. and it bothers the fuck outta me that he’s not being a leader, not the leader that we need. he’s not someone who can represent us. on the contrary, he chooses to be a twitter thug and constantly say stupid ass fuckery. he looks really foolish, a straight up buffoon. he makes me sick to my stomach.

it’s a shame that in 2017, i’m afraid to walk alone at night. that i’m afraid that i’ll be attacked in manhattan by one of these vile people. i worry for my partner, the love of my live… someone who is one of the kindest, sweetest, most intelligent people i’ve ever known. why do i worry? because he’s african-american, he will be attacked. we still get dirty looks when we walk down the street from time to time. so… a puerto-rican and an african-american can’t walk down the street together? what’s so bad about two people who love each other, expressing that love. i notice these dirty looks and it scares me.

i truly hope that things get better for all of us. we deserve to live peacefully and without threat.

ironic right? we were promised that america will be “great again” but you know what they say also, “if it’s broke, don’t fix it.”

our government needs to take a really hard look and “drain that swamp” so to speak.

—until we meet again.

 

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is it me?

The other day I was on facebook, going through my news feed. CCNY Secrets, a page created for those who have attended or are attending CCNY, posted up a secret that struck a cord with me. 

This was the secret:

“A close female friend recently admitted to being sad because she’s never had a boyfriend and doesn’t get attention from guys. But the truth is she doesn’t take care of herself. She’s overweight, doesn’t bother to fix herself up (no makeup, dress, hair). She just isn’t attractive to the opposite sex. And before you people hit me with that deep, holier than thou crap about personality and being a beautiful person, lets be honest, we’re visual creatures and like it or not we put attractiveness first. 
So if you’re a female in the same situation, learn to become the girl that guys cannot deny. Or keep waiting for your prince charming movie hero who will look past your imperfections *chokes*”

It’s comments like these that make me feel annoyed. I don’t know the person who posted the “secret” but I bet he/she doesn’t understand where his friend is coming from. I bet he doesn’t know her issues besides what she’s said. It’s true that most people are in fact visual creatures; I’ve seen it first hand. But this this mean that I have to change who I am just so someone else can look at me? Absolutely not!!!

Honestly, reading this made a lot of different feelings re-surface. For me, I always thought that I didn’t have a boyfriend because of the fact that I was overweight. It was hard to “look nice” because I felt that I was being judged anyway… so what was the point? If I dressed nicely or put on makeup, I was just going to be the big girl with that outfit that didn’t suite her who had a pretty face. It was upsetting to see my friends have partners and I didn’t have anyone. I was the classic chunky girl who had a lot of boys as friends, but no boyfriends. I was always smart in school… always had frizzy hair, always the funny girl. Valentine’s Day sucked every year. I always managed to hide everything with a smile.

Sometimes, when we surround ourselves with the right company, we start to see the beauty that is within ourselves. I know that when I started to feel more confident, I started to feel more comfortable about my appearance. I changed who I associated with & in turn, I started to hang out with those I knew weren’t going to judge me. It was then I started putting on blush, doing my nails and hair; I wasn’t afraid to take as many risks.

If there is one thing I have learned over the course of a few years, is that if I’m going to do something, it has to be for myself, no one else.

I met my boyfriend out of nowhere…and it was one of the greatest blessings I’ve ever had. The day I met him, I didn’t have any makeup on… it was on a hot July afternoon. My hair was loose, curly, frizzy and out of place and I was a sweaty mess. But I knew that I had to talk to him…I just had to, although my friend gave me the courage to. Now.. .he could have seen how I looked and turned me away, but he didn’t. We exchanged numbers, hung out, and now almost three years later, we are still together & very happy!

So to the person who posted that secret, how’s about putting yourself in your friend’s shoes? I believe that although sometimes tough love is the key to good advice, it can be just downright hurtful. Also, maybe that person is single because she hasn’t met the right person yet; he’s probably right under her nose and she hasn’t realized it yet.

It’s true what my mother says, “The best things happen when we are not looking, when we least expect it.” When we are sad and at our lowest, it’s hard to see the good around us and the fact that better things will come our way.  And she was right, as hard as it was to admit. 

Do you agree with the notion that we have to change our appearance in order to find love? Are we really that visual? Or was the person being a jerk?

Until next time!