myriad.

—so many thoughts are on my mind, it’s hard to focus on one concrete thought. but there is one thought that is haunting me.

i feel like i am in an absurd time warp. where are the fuck are we? this is 2017 and i feel suffocated by not only hate, but fear & anxiety as well. my grandparents emigrated from puerto rico to new york city in 1954 to have a better life. and honestly, i’m disgusted by everything that’s going on. this isn’t the land of the free.

i have to say what’s in my mind and what’s in my heart.

the recent events in charlottesville, virginia  boggle my mind- but am i surprised, no? i believe that racism never died out- neither was it never phased out. racism is a belief to me, something that is taught. and as long as people hold these ideas and spread them, it will never cease to exist. it’s a disease that spreads and attacks everything in its sight.

it is one thing to have opinions and beliefs (everyone has them, whatever)… but to spew hate and hurt people, and murder people, what the fuck is that about? if someone is mad at something or someone, write… there is no absolute need to harm anyone.

but then for our president not to acknowledge what’s going on… like what the fuck! i still can’t stay president…. nope! i can’t. i refer to him as his last name… sometimes, i had drump or call him that. everytime he has the opportunity to show some kind of empathy, some kind of leadership, he fucks it up! i don’t get it…

but let me tell you all something… and i have to say it.

i truly feel in the pits of my being that of course the president isn’t taking a firm stand or denouncing 10000% percent of these recent events. these vile people (these groups that don’t even deserve to be mentioned) are his bread and butter…simple as that! these are the people who voted for him. these are the same people who are so petty and are so angry that President Obama served two terms. i bet these vile people thought… no way in hell are they gonna win again? it’s like these people came out of the sewers like waterbugs and sewer rats. could you imagine if president… addressed these people? he knows what’s up. there goes his 2020 election. and it bothers the fuck outta me that he’s not being a leader, not the leader that we need. he’s not someone who can represent us. on the contrary, he chooses to be a twitter thug and constantly say stupid ass fuckery. he looks really foolish, a straight up buffoon. he makes me sick to my stomach.

it’s a shame that in 2017, i’m afraid to walk alone at night. that i’m afraid that i’ll be attacked in manhattan by one of these vile people. i worry for my partner, the love of my live… someone who is one of the kindest, sweetest, most intelligent people i’ve ever known. why do i worry? because he’s african-american, he will be attacked. we still get dirty looks when we walk down the street from time to time. so… a puerto-rican and an african-american can’t walk down the street together? what’s so bad about two people who love each other, expressing that love. i notice these dirty looks and it scares me.

i truly hope that things get better for all of us. we deserve to live peacefully and without threat.

ironic right? we were promised that america will be “great again” but you know what they say also, “if it’s broke, don’t fix it.”

our government needs to take a really hard look and “drain that swamp” so to speak.

—until we meet again.

 

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feel, don’t conceal.

Like many people, I was stunned to find out that Robin Williams passed away on Monday, August 11, 2014. I was at Madison Square Park with my boyfriend when I read the news on Facebook. My stomach turned and I began to feel nauseous. I couldn’t believe it. Robin Williams was gone; he committed suicide. Williams reminded me of the awesome uncle everyone loved and the father everyone wanted to have. I remember watching Mrs. Doubtfire at seven years old; I wanted a father like him.

So I’m on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram reading people’s comments regarding Robin Williams’ passing. Many people expressed their sympathy to his family. But I couldn’t help but notice and read some of the heartless, mean, and cruel comments others posted. What bothered me the most was that some called Williams a coward. I couldn’t believe that! Like how dare they? Of course Robin Williams never knew me, but I felt some need to defend him.

Robin Williams is a coward because he committed suicide?!? That has to be one of the most insensitive, stupidest comments I have ever read! Who knows what was playing through Williams’ minds at those final moments. When I think about it, I feel that he felt he had no recourse, no other way to escape.

Williams’ struggled with depression and drug/alcohol abuse throughout his life. I can’t imagine being in his shoes. To have to perform for thousands of people and make movies where I know people are going to judge me no matter what… I don’t think that I would have been able to handle that kind of burden. Williams’ appeared to be happy in front of the camera, but his smile concealed so much more.

I am not a Hollywood starlet, but to some extent, I can relate to Williams’ struggle. There were periods in my life where getting out of bed was a challenge. I would just stare at the ceiling, feeling hopeless, not looking forward to anything in life. I know most of my struggles came from being bullied and teased as a child and in my early teens. People say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” But guess what…words really do hurt! When people called me fat, ugly, blubber, flubber, fat thing… that hurt! I hated going to school… I hated anything that had to do with physical activity. That hatred and bitterness carried over for years, even into my adulthood.

I became so bitter and angry at everything around me, I knew it was time to get counseling. I hung out with my friends and family, but I wasn’t happy. I smiled, but it masked my sadness. It was hard admitting that I had negative feelings and that I needed help. To carry the negative feelings seemed much easier than telling someone how I felt. I thought that by telling someone my feelings and struggles, that person would pretend to help me and then judge me behind my back. I knew that in order to accept help, I had to open my heart, but more importantly, I had to trust- that was the most challenging part. I don’t regret going out of my comfort zone and getting counseling; it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

If you or someone you know is depressed and struggling, please do not be afraid to seek help. You are not a coward if you seek help; you will be saving your life and will be making yourself healthier and stronger in the process.

I dedicate this post to Robin Williams. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. You will always be Genie.

 

Until Next Time…

 

—Stelly