myriad.

—so many thoughts are on my mind, it’s hard to focus on one concrete thought. but there is one thought that is haunting me.

i feel like i am in an absurd time warp. where are the fuck are we? this is 2017 and i feel suffocated by not only hate, but fear & anxiety as well. my grandparents emigrated from puerto rico to new york city in 1954 to have a better life. and honestly, i’m disgusted by everything that’s going on. this isn’t the land of the free.

i have to say what’s in my mind and what’s in my heart.

the recent events in charlottesville, virginia  boggle my mind- but am i surprised, no? i believe that racism never died out- neither was it never phased out. racism is a belief to me, something that is taught. and as long as people hold these ideas and spread them, it will never cease to exist. it’s a disease that spreads and attacks everything in its sight.

it is one thing to have opinions and beliefs (everyone has them, whatever)… but to spew hate and hurt people, and murder people, what the fuck is that about? if someone is mad at something or someone, write… there is no absolute need to harm anyone.

but then for our president not to acknowledge what’s going on… like what the fuck! i still can’t stay president…. nope! i can’t. i refer to him as his last name… sometimes, i had drump or call him that. everytime he has the opportunity to show some kind of empathy, some kind of leadership, he fucks it up! i don’t get it…

but let me tell you all something… and i have to say it.

i truly feel in the pits of my being that of course the president isn’t taking a firm stand or denouncing 10000% percent of these recent events. these vile people (these groups that don’t even deserve to be mentioned) are his bread and butter…simple as that! these are the people who voted for him. these are the same people who are so petty and are so angry that President Obama served two terms. i bet these vile people thought… no way in hell are they gonna win again? it’s like these people came out of the sewers like waterbugs and sewer rats. could you imagine if president… addressed these people? he knows what’s up. there goes his 2020 election. and it bothers the fuck outta me that he’s not being a leader, not the leader that we need. he’s not someone who can represent us. on the contrary, he chooses to be a twitter thug and constantly say stupid ass fuckery. he looks really foolish, a straight up buffoon. he makes me sick to my stomach.

it’s a shame that in 2017, i’m afraid to walk alone at night. that i’m afraid that i’ll be attacked in manhattan by one of these vile people. i worry for my partner, the love of my live… someone who is one of the kindest, sweetest, most intelligent people i’ve ever known. why do i worry? because he’s african-american, he will be attacked. we still get dirty looks when we walk down the street from time to time. so… a puerto-rican and an african-american can’t walk down the street together? what’s so bad about two people who love each other, expressing that love. i notice these dirty looks and it scares me.

i truly hope that things get better for all of us. we deserve to live peacefully and without threat.

ironic right? we were promised that america will be “great again” but you know what they say also, “if it’s broke, don’t fix it.”

our government needs to take a really hard look and “drain that swamp” so to speak.

—until we meet again.

 

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what change?

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to Chinatown for the first time together. For me, it was the first time in over eight years that I had been there.

My boyfriend and I took the 6 train downtown to Canal Street. We walked through Chinatown and I could not help but to take pictures of what was around me. There were lots of souvenirs, phone cases, t-shirts, apple accessories. The aroma was fresh, a mix of seafood and fruit. I had to walk over and explore the various seafood around me. I could not believe it, some had lobster 3 for $39 & $6.95 for a pound of shrimp, which is insanely cheap to me. We tried bubble tea at the Maid Cafe. I loved my passion fruit tea.

After walking to various little shops, we turned left and right and ended up walking through a court area. There was a detention center where there was a bail bonds across the street. Up until that point, I didn’t know this existed in Chinatown. Maybe Chinatown didn’t change so much in 8 years, as I previously thought; I just wasn’t as observant. The reason I thought Chinatown changed was because I saw more shops the first time. This time around, I saw a couple of Dunkin Dounts, a Burger King, and even a Popeyes. I never thought that I would see that in Chinatown. I guess I’m being one-dimensional and ignorant so to speak. My boyfriend bought up a great point, something so obvious… he said, “Estelle, people change, things change, times change.” I just let that thought sink in… oh that “wicked” word CHANGE. He’s right…People change, places change, relationships change. Change is something that I am definitely NOT used to.

Walking through Chinatown, I did see somethings that I reminded me of my childhood and of the things that my cousins and me saw in the store fronts. I saw the green and yellow toy frogs in the plastic bucket swimming in the dirty water, toy dolls with tangled hair singing and moving out loud; I even saw little live turtles moving in their plastic boxes, the same ones my mom still won’t buy because she says they carry disease. It’s crazy how a couple of hours could bring back years of memories. I started to remember my family and the Saturdays we spent together in Third Avenue. I used to hate waking up Saturday morning and having to walk the same stretch of a few blocks to shop at Conway, Youngland, Bunnies, Cookies, Victorias, and the notorious Conway , C&C Department Store, and Ray Store. Now I’m 27 years old and I miss those days; those days where I saw my immediate family on the constant basis. Life is easier, drama minimal. But like my boyfriend says, people change, times change.

Now I am working on building my own memories. It doesn’t hurt to think of the good times, but what makes it hurt is if we make those past memories our world and don’t seek to build new ones.

And that is exactly what I’m doing. Exploring what is around me and making awesome new memories!

Here are some of the pics from yesterday’s adventure in Chinatown. Till next time!

Thank you for reading and for your support!

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